For all the mothers out there; do you remember what life was like before having children? Do you remember who you were then compared to who you are now?   Do you think you would even recognize that person? Your thoughts? Your ambitions? Your perspective on life?  Looking back on who I was before children and I realize I had a very strong sense of self.  I loved shopping, wineries, music, spending time with friends, a good happy hour or quiet night with my husband.  I began running and really enjoyed the time that I spent with just my own thoughts. I felt like I knew who I was but at the same time knew that I was ready to become something new, something different, something more; a mother. I was ready to let my heart grow, to let my life become about something and someone other than me.

THE BABY MOON

When I found out that I was pregnant I was overcome with joy and a sense of purpose.  There was a love and easiness that came that I had never felt before.  Immediately, I started planning for my child.  I read book after book about being pregnant and what to expect, signed up for email lists from all the top baby websites, filled my Facebook feed with all things baby, and spent time researching the best baby products. I loved seeing what size fruit my baby was and planning exactly what her nursery was going to look like. I took birthing classes to better understand how I was going to bring her into this world, and what to expect those first few days of her life. I consumed myself with the next chapter, and I loved every second of it. The anticipation and planning that comes along with that first pregnancy is like no other.

My daughter was born and it was the most magical thing I had ever done in my life. For months after she was born I would feed her, hold her and watch her sleep and I just knew that this tiny child in my arms was why I was on this earth.  I was here to be her mother, her protector, her lifeline.  She was my everything.  I missed her at night when she would sleep, I couldn’t imagine going anywhere without her.  Other than a few pedicures she was with me every second of her first year and I was happy.  I loved being a mom so much.  I loved that she needed me, that I was the only person who could make her stop crying, or put her to bed at night.  To this day, one of best feelings is to have your baby cuddle into the crook of your neck, they fit so perfectly like this is where they belong.  That bond with your baby is so amazing and unlike anything that I had ever experienced before.  I knew at that time that this was exactly what I was supposed to be doing, and I was ready for more.

When my daughter turned 1 I knew it was time for another baby.  I had loved that last year of my life so much and I was ready to do it all again. My son was born 10 months later and again, I was filled with a sense of purpose.  I knew that I was right where I was supposed to be, giving life and support to my tiny love.

THE SWITCH

Something happened, and I didn’t have the chance to even notice it.  I now had a newborn baby, a 22 month old and a puppy (that is a whole other story).  Suddenly my days were filled with breastfeeding, changing diapers, feeding hungry mouths, nap times, laundry, drying tears and calming massive toddler fits.  Gone were the days of sweet moments with my babies, or blissful walks with the stroller.  Everything became a challenge, I couldn’t go to the grocery store without wanting to run out crying.  I suddenly went from thriving as a mother to simply surviving.  Each day became a challenge that I just had to try and make it through.  It didn’t matter if I enjoyed being a mother or a wife I just needed to make sure that everyone’s needs were met at the end of the day.  I didn’t have time to realize it but during this phase I truly lost myself.

As our children have gotten older circumstances have changed.  My daughter eventually started preschool, and soon after my son started as well.  We found an amazing school for both kids that allows them to be there 4 hours a day 5 days a week.  We had enrolled in the school about 9 months before the school year was to begin and I was so excited.  I couldn’t believe I was going to have so much free time.

A NEW CHAPTER

The school year started and it was magical.  I could now run all of my errands without my kids. This meant I could walk the aisles at my own pace, and actually look at what was on display. There were stores that I hadn’t dared to go in with my kids, that I could now stroll through without a care. I did some projects around the house that I had been putting off for years.  Finally, I had some breathing room.

There was a lot of quiet time, which is exactly what I wanted, or at least I thought but something was a little off.  That quiet time that I had so desperately wanted started to scare me a little bit. The easy thing to do would be to continue to fill it with chores and projects and shopping, but those things didn’t really bring me any joy after a while.  I realized that I was just trying to fill the quiet time; I didn’t want to really think about what I wanted to do, because I no longer knew what I wanted to do.

For the last 5 years I have been forced to do that things that needed to be done.  I need to feed my kids, I need to clean my house, I need to take my kids to gymnastics, I need to go to Costco.  My life had been planned for me and I no longer had to think about what I was doing, it was forced on me.  Now I had the chance to step back and ask myself, “What do I want?”  I didn’t know the answer to that and that is what really scared me.  I realized that while I had loved the last 5 years of my life serving my children; I had completely lost myself.  I no longer knew what I wanted or enjoyed doing and this was my chance to figure that out.

A BLOG

One night I was lying in bed, and it hit me like a wave; I should start a blog.  I have just endured a crazy 5 years with two babies and there are so many other women out there doing the same thing.  I know how hard this life is and have struggled in the trenches.  Luckily, I have learned a few tricks along the way to make this life just a little bit easier.  I know a few ways to get you back precious minutes, that might mean you spend less time cleaning and more time on the floor with your kids, and I know how important those little things are.  I have wisdom that can only be gained by experience that I want to share with other moms who are also in the trenches.

I am also starting this blog for me.  I am re-finding myself in this process, finding my voice again.  So many moms that I have talked to who are in this same stage of motherhood have voiced the same concern: it is so easy to lose ourselves in the lives of our children.  This blog is also a documentation of that journey for me. That journey is just beginning and I am so excited to see where it goes while at the same time, very scared. Last night my I was talking with my daughter about losing her first tooth and she looked up and said to me “I don’t know what is going to happen, but I’m excited!”  That is me right now.  I have absolutely no idea where this may go, but I am so excited to put it out there.

My hope is that you can relate and connect with what I have to share; that I can help bring you just a little bit of joy in this process too. Whether that be through knowing that you are not alone in this crazy world of motherhood, or helping you find an easier way of doing something that may give you back those precious moments with your children. Thank you so much for coming along on this journey with me. I cannot wait to see where this road will take us.

Do you feel like you are in the trenches of motherhood too, have a great Housewife Hack to share or have any questions for me?  Please leave a comment; I would love to hear from you.  Happy Hacking!!